Change is Never Easy, Resisting is Quite Common Though

Have you heard of the five stages of change?

I am familiar with the five stages of grief. But while I was listening to my meditation app, it presented a mini lesson on the five stages of change. 

Briefly, the five stages of change are:

Pre-contemplation: I’m not thinking about it, not seeing necessity.
Contemplation: I might be thinking about it, but feeling unsure.
Preparation: I’m interested, but not sure what to do/how to accomplish the change.
Action: I’m actively working on making a change.
Maintenance: I’m actively working on maintaining a change I’ve made.

In the couple of articles I found, they both talked about change in behavior. But I think this model works for life changes too. Especially major life changes, the kind that seem overwhelming and that you put off as long as possible. 

For instance, my most recent life change of switching my “single gal in the city life” to move in with my mom in a small coastal town while in my early forties totally followed the above pattern. I kept myself in the pre-contemplation stage for several years. I so didn’t want to leave my single life in the city with my own space, and my friends, and my own schedule, and not needing to worry about coordinating with anyone else. I struggled quite a bit for several years trying to make ends meet and keep my status quo because I didn’t want to admit that perhaps things might be better a different way. It took things almost completely falling apart for me to realize that I might want to start thinking about moving. But of course, I had decided moving in with my mom would be the absolute last resort, so I entered the contemplation stage and went searching first for a better job, then a part-time gig that might turn into a full-time gig, and finally for somewhere cheaper to live and determining which “luxuries” I could live without – moving from the city to the suburbs? Giving up in-apartment laundry? Dishwasher? Much smaller size apartment? This last part was probably the preparation stage, because in the end I had to concede that moving in with my mom was the best option, and thus entered the action stage and went about packing and giving away a lot of stuff and moving what was left to my mom’s. 

The initial stages progressed over years. If I’m being honest probably about five years or so. But once I entered the preparation stage, and officially switched my thinking about things and accepting that a change had to be made… Once I was able to make this mental shift, things happened very quickly, really over just a couple of months.

I have to admit that things sort of felt like they were falling apart through a lot of this. I wonder if it would have seemed that way if I hadn’t spent so much time fighting that the change needed to be made in the first place. I wound up with a ton of debt. Both of my cats grew old and died. I did earn an MBA, though have yet to use it in a corporate job as I envisioned. 

And that would bring us to the maintenance stage. Which is funny because it feels a bit like I came full circle. So I am currently living with my mom, have been for almost three years now. And the “actively working on maintaining the change made,” has to deal with learning to enjoy being here and making a new life in a totally new town, where the majority of residents are closer to my mom’s age than mine, and all during the pandemic. 

So, it’s been quite a ride. But, I have become more comfortable with things, even in little ways: I’ve had time to take care of myself better and have started a morning walking routine, and I’m making new friends with some of the other early morning walkers. I started volunteering at a local organic farm and animal sanctuary, which has proven to be a wonderful experience given that we have no pets at home at the moment. I’ve had time to do some deep shadow work and come to terms with some things that had been sitting for a while. And I’ve been working on this blog which has become my way to increase my income. And things are starting to feel like they’re settling into where they’re supposed to be. 

So my advice, after this rather long ramble, is if there’s a change you’ve been resisting. Even when you’re at the pre-contemplation stage, telling yourself nothing’s wrong and you don’t need a change. If it’s spinning through your head at all, perhaps it might make sense to take some time to look at things and see if it might be beneficial, maybe for the short term, maybe for the long term, to start thinking seriously about making that change you’re resisting so fiercely. 

And if you’re putting things off because you think it’s not that bad, and you have things under control. Or if you’re thinking that there’s something wrong about your situation because you feel like you’re the only one who goes through changes like this, or you’re the only one who resists changes like this. My next bit of advice? You’re not the only one! Because look! So many others have been through the same things, that they’ve done studies about it, even enough to see whole patterns to the behavior.

I’m thinking, that once we realize that the best course of action is to get out of our own heads, and out of our own way; then we’ll be able to create A Potted Oasis of our very own!